It helps me to think we're sleeping under the same big sky

 
Here is something that hides away inside me, a fear that only arrived after the birth of our child. The fear of loss.

The realization that life is very precious and way too short was one of the unexpected hangovers of my childbirth experience.

Before we had Little Bear, living as an expat was exciting and held little concern for settling down.  Of course, I missed my family, but it never dawned on me just how many short precious years you have with the people you love.

That every year you are away from them and do not get to share your life with them is a loss.

That the people we love do not live forever.

We are still not entirely sure what our plans are, we enjoy being expats but I know that I do not want our children to grow up without any close family in their lives.   I want Little Bear to have those special moments only a grandparent can give, knowledge and acceptance from a close uncle or aunt and many precious memories of fun with the cousins.

It does not seem fair to bring him up as a Third Culture Kid (TCK) here in England.   England is the middle ground for us right now.

This is not to say that I want to be living on any family’s doorstep, but to at least be within a reasonable distance (time and cost wise) of each other. Only seeing each other once a year – if that – just does not cut it when you have a little one who is building a daily bank of memories of his world!

At times I feel guilty for falling in love and having a child with someone from the exact opposite end of the earth to where I am from.  Burträsk in northern Sweden and Cape Town in South Africa are literally poles apart!

Talk about complicating your life!

Should I feel guilty for having a child in a foreign country?   Will it lead to him being more open minded and accepting of others,  with a diverse range of friends and and and adventurous spirit?  Or could it go the other way and give him a craving for stability?  I guess we will just have to wait and see!

What is the impact, on a child, of living in a nuclear family opposed to an extended one?

Lynn blogs at Where I Find My Heaven and lives in South Africa.

Comments

[Karen]

I think it will probably make your child a very well adjusted child that will apreciate the time he/she does spend with other family memmbers.
I live very close to my parents but hardly ever see them, where as my husbands parents live on the other side of the country and they make every effort they can to see their grandchildren.

[Lynn]

I hope so. It would be ok if they were only a few hours flight away but we're talking continents here. As the flights are so expensive we are lucky if we see them once a year. A year makes such a huge difference in a childs growth. I just feel guilty my mom is missing out on so much.

[Expat Mum]

I regret that my kids don't have cousins around them because they really love them, but hey, what can you do. I just comfort myself with the fact that they're close to my family even though they only see them once a year. It's all they've ever known so they don't miss it as much as I miss it on their behalf.

[Michelle]

I sometimes feel real pain at the fact that my daughter hardly knows my parents, when I had a close and meaningful relationship with my grandparents. But then again, she is close to me and her father and her siblings so she understands how to have a close family. And just because I had a close relationship with my grandparents doesnt mean its the only way. My daughter is lucky--she has a fabulous place to visit my parents in Minnesota! A bi-cultural kid has a greater understanding and acceptance immediately of differences between people and countries. This keeps their mind open, whether they grow up craving travel or stability they will be better for their experiences.

Don't become to anxious about it, dont feel guilty for certain! A child will grow up well-balanced so long as they have love and support, wherever they are.

[Nicola]

I feel your pain! Something that is constantly on my mind as I have an almost 3 year old daughter who was born in Austria, and another daughter due to arrive in America early next year - yet both my husband and I are Australian!! The cost, time and logistics of flying home or flying our family to us is a huge factor. I can only hope and pray that my girls will benefit from the amazing life experiences they will have living overseas, and to try my best to keep the family connections as tight as possible via the wonders of the internet. No easy solutions for ex-pats!